


Love Will Tear Us Apart

by TwistedDuck



Series: I will not give up and I will not give in [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, severe angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-04-16 22:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14175111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedDuck/pseuds/TwistedDuck
Summary: Continuation of series. AU with Canon leanings





	1. Atrocity Exbihition

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm still alive! Sorry, long time no story. Had ideas but not very strong (trust me you didn't want to read them) but finally had something I felt I could share. My friend HATES how this story starts. She can't believe how cruel I am. I promise, it'll have a happy ending eventually. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments I've received since starting this series. They mean more than you know. Hope this is worth the wait. Lyrics this time come from Joy Division. There's a clue for how cruel this will be.

Dean had gone in first to try and get Sam back from the British Men of Letters. And you’d stayed put and waited. After all, Dean was right, you were still recovering from a serious bullet wound, even if Cas had healed the worst of it.

Then Mary had gone in. And once more, you waited; though your fingernails were now chewed down to ragged, bleeding messes. Then Mick had turned up. And you told Cas where he could shove his angel blade if he expected you to sit aside and wait now the danger had supposedly passed. 

You followed Mick and Cas down to the basement and nearly retched as you were assaulted by the stench of blood and burnt flesh. Knowing full well that these smells had been caused by the three days of torture your soulmate had endured, caused you to sway dizzily before gripping onto the back of Cas’ coat to help you stay standing.

Mick was spewing some sales pitch but all you heard was white noise until Sam asked a question which tore out your heart and destroyed you completely.

Pointing at you, Sam asked nervously “Are you British Men of Letters too?”

Dean, Mary and Cas all turned to Sam, dumbstruck by his question. 

Toni, however, roared with laughter. “Oh dear, it seems the pillow talk spell was stronger than I thought”

One moment you were stood next to Mick and the next, your hand was wrapped around Toni’s throat as you slammed her head hard against the wall. You didn’t even remember moving.

“Care to explain what’s so funny?” you ground out

The danger you exuded made Toni swallow thickly against you hand.

Barely able to talk above a whisper, Toni confessed “Look, it wasn’t on purpose. I was trying to make Samuel spill the beans over the American hunting community. He was, however, less than talkative. So I had to resort to magic to make him believe we’d slept together and get him to pillow talk, as it were. Obviously, the whole soulmate thing would have made him question it straight away. So I had to modify the spell. Make his soul forget its mate. And make him forget your existence. I genuinely thought it had broken when the spell did”

Cold dread washed through you and you blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill. 

You wanted to howl in misery at the loss of your Sammy but then another part of you spoke up telling you not to be selfish. That this was a good thing for Sam. Now he could find someone he deserves and more importantly, someone who deserved him. 

You let go of Toni and turned around almost straight into Dean. The look on his face confirmed he’d heard everything. You gave him a sad smile and half assed shrug before turning back to Sam and Mary.

“Hi Sam, I’m (Y/N). I was helping your family to find you. And here you are. Lovely to meet you. I’ll be heading off now, let you all catch up.” 

With that you turned and walked as calmly as you could out of the basement. You’d just reached the truck when Cas caught up with.

“Don’t look at me like that Cas, I’m okay. Sam is alive and coming home. That’s all that matters”

Cas ignored you, pulling you into an almost literal bone crushing hug.

“Take the van back to the bunker (Y/N). Have some time to think things through before you do anything”

“Thanks Cas” 

With that, you jumped into the van and raced back to somewhere you felt you could no longer call home.


	2. I Guess That Dreams Always End

Once back at the bunker, you set to work. You returned Sam’s things to his old room which you dusted and left to air out. You packed up all your belongings including any photos involving you. You were determined to remove all evidence of your existence from the bunker. 

You’d just finished loading the van when your phone rang. It was Dean, of course.

“You’re running away aren’t you?”

“I’m not running, I’m vacating the building”

“Why? His memory will come back”

“We don’t know that Dean. Look he doesn’t need me now anyway. He’s got you, Cas and your freaking Mom! I love you guys and you can ring me whenever you want but let Sam move on. You all should. I’ve gotta go”

You hung up and turned your phone off before he could ring back. With one final look, you drove away from the bunker for the last time. 

…………………..

The Winchesters arrived home an hour later. Despite being cured by Cas, his ordeal had exhausted Sam. Between them, Dean and Mary got Sam downstairs into the library and towards the bedrooms. Dean automatically kept going to your room but was pulled back by a confused Sam. 

“Dude, where you going?” Sam slurred as he opened his old door and staggered in. 

Dean politely dismissed Mary then followed his brother in. 

Sam sat slumped on his bed trying to kick his shoes off. Dean lent down and pulled them off before helping him out of his shirt and jeans. Smacking Sam round the head for his muttered ‘didn’t even buy me dinner first’. 

After much wrangling, Dean finally had Sam tucked up in bed and had just made it to the door when Sam asked “Did you put perfume on my pillow?”

Dean froze but Sam just sleepily muttered “it’s okay, smells like her”. Any further conversation would have to wait as Sam’s breathing levelled out into gentle snores. 

 

Dean stopped outside the door to wipe off the single tear running down his cheek before he returned to the library to find Mary and Cas. He swiped the whiskey decanter on his way past and took a hearty swig; looking sheepish and feeling like a chastised child for his actions when Mary glowered at him. He snorted bitterly to himself, realising that suddenly he was someone’s child again. 

“Sorry Mom. Did you want a glass?”

“No thank you. But should you really be drinking with a concussion?”

“It’s fine, Cas healed me, didn’t you? Plus, I’m sorry Mom but my little brother has been through hell and someone we love has just left us. Hunters’ Helper is the only medicine for that”

Mary sagged and dropped into a nearby chair. “Will Sam and (Y/N) be okay?”

Dean shrugged but Cas answered “No, they won’t. (Y/N) will already be in severe emotional and physical pain. It will take Sam longer, but he too will begin to show signs of mental distress as his soul begins to reawaken and realise it has lost its other half.” 

“Well that’s just great Cas. What are we meant to do? How am I meant to help Sammy if he doesn’t even know what’s going on?”

“I don’t know Dean but I’m going to find (Y/N)”

With that, Cas vanished.


	3. Confusion in Her Eyes That Says it All

You drove west, heading towards the Californian sunshine; keeping your phone switched off. You weren’t ready to face the concern fuelled wrath of Dean Winchester just yet. Or have him send Cas to escort you home. No. Not home. It wasn’t your home anymore. When would you get that through your thick skull? So you just kept driving. Stopping only for food, fuel and toilet breaks. Exhausted, you finally reached a small secluded beach on the southern Californian coast 26 hours later, in time to see the sunset. You dragged what had been the blanket on your bed down with you to the beach and wrapped yourself in one of Sam’s old hoodies. Just because you removed yourself from his life, didn’t mean you could give him up as easily. 

Sitting on the blanket, you sat and watched the sun disappear and the stars come out. Your only company was the crashing waves and a bottle of Jack Daniels. And it stayed that way for several hours and most of the bottle until the tell-tale sound of wings broke your reverie.

“’lo Cas” you slurred.

“(Y/N). You took a long time to find. How are you?”

You shrugged and pulled Sam’s hoodie tighter around you before taking another hefty swig.

Grimacing, you turned to look at Cas.

“Boys okay?”

Cas nodded.

“Sam remember me yet?”

Cas moved to sit next to you. “It’s not that easy”

“Never is” you sniffed. “If I offer you some of this will you give it back?”

Cas took a swig, debated but handed it back to you. He moved a little closer and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you flush to his side. “Let go. It’s just us. You don’t have to be brave about this anymore”

“It hurts Cas. It hurts so fucking much. I can’t do it. I can’t do this without him. How am I supposed to do this without him?” you sobbed. “Can’t you just knock me out until he remembers me? Put me in some sort of angelic coma. Is that a thing?”

Cas laughed weakly “I wish. I wish I could remove all this pain for you but there’s nothing I can do accept support you through it if you’ll let me.”

With that, Cas pulled you further down so that your head rested on his thigh, and stroked fingers through your hair until you cried yourself into blissful oblivion.

When you woke shivering in the early hours, it was to find a trench coat placed over you and a suit jacket pillowing your head. 

Distant murmuring informed you that Cas was on the phone to Dean explaining that he had found you and intended to stay with you a few days. You felt touched that Cas cared so much about you.

“No Dean I will not bring (Y/N) back against her will. We can’t just hold her against her will in the dungeon” there was a short pause before Cas continued “We are not going to lock her up in the dungeon Dean!”

You couldn’t help but smile at Dean’s desperation to have you safely within his sight. You knew he cared deeply for you. It was one of the things that made the loss of your relationship worse. Sam’s family and friends were also yours. 

With a monumental effort, you stood up and wobbled over to Cas, head pounding with every step. Mr Daniels was not your friend this morning. Cas looked at you, muttered into the phone and handed it over.

“Hey Deano”

“(Y/N)!”

“Dude, indoor voice. Head ow times”

You heard Dean chuckle but he had lowered his voice when he said “How are you? Sorry stupid question. You coming home?”

“Dean. It’s not my home anymore. “ Sensing an argument to the contrary, you pulled out the big guns “Sam has no idea who I am. Won’t he wonder why a complete stranger is living with you? And if you told him the truth, you know how shit he’d feel about not knowing me. It’s not fair on him. Just, don’t be a stranger, alright? I’ll miss you big bro.” You’d started to cry again so passed the phone back to Cas before Dean could reply. 

You turned to leave but Cas pulled you back. Touching your forehead and healing your hangover. You quirked an eyebrow at him but he merely shrugged. You gathered your stuff together whilst Cas signed off.

“Okay. I have a plan Cas. I’m gonna find myself a vintage soft top and drive the Californian coastline. Want in? We can do some monster fighting on the way.” Cas didn’t answer for a moment so you continued “sorry you’re too busy obviously, stupid me”

“No. I mean, I want to find Lucifer. But I’ll help you start your journey. And check in as often as I can. But first, we’re finding you somewhere to stay.”

Nodding, you carried your stuff over to Cas’ truck and set off to find somewhere to crash for a few days.


	4. Twenty Four Hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the huge delay guys. My brain is helpfully writing chapters out of order. This is a long one though so hopefully makes up for it a bit

One month, it was one month since you left the bunker and faking it was getting harder by the day. 

Cas had stayed with you for two days; making sure you slept and ate. In return, you kept a brave face. But the trail for Lucifer was getting cold. And you could tell Cas was getting restless. So you sent him on his way with fake smiles and promises you’d be fine. You both knew it was total bullshit but what other choice did you have?

You found yourself a secondhand classic soft-top Impala online in Santa Monica and spent the next week hustling your way down the coast until you had enough cash to buy her, no questions asked. 

She was beautiful. Bright red and gleaming. In respect to Baby, you called her Junior. First thing you and Junior would do was go see Donna in Minnesota via calling on Jody in Sioux Falls on the way. They both never failed to make you laugh and Chuck knows you needed a reason. You decided to stop off in LA and Las Vegas enroute to grab some presents for everyone. And to prolong leaving Junior’s roof down. 

You had enough money on your latest credit card to stay at the Hollywood Hyatt. Yeah, it was ridiculously expensive but it was rock n roll hall of fame worthy. Led Zep, Jim Morrison and Rolling Stones all called it home whilst on tour. How could you refuse? 

You booked in, reservedly handing over the keys to your girl to the valet, and headed up to your room. It shamed you that the receptionist didn’t even blink an eye at the name Rachel Manzarek. Know your hotel heritage lady! 

After a quick change, you headed up to the pool. Sat under the canopied lounge sofa with a book, you texted Dean to show off about your awesome abode. 

When he replied a couple of minutes later with such a stunted ‘cool’ you immediately were on alert and called him.

After couple of rings he answered. “You alright?” It was sad and slurred. Which made you even more panicked.

“About to ask you the same thing but I think you just answered the question for me. What’s up Deano?”

“Nothing”

“Don’t you lie to me. I know somethings up. Spit it out right now”

“Mary’s gone” at your sharp inhale, he continued “she’s alive. But she left us. She chose to leave us. We’re not her boys and she doesn’t want us” His voice broke on the last word. 

“No! That can’t be right. She loves you. It was obvious”

Dean just laughed bitterly. “Maybe sweetheart, but she doesn’t want us.”

“Dean where are you? Where’s Sam?”

“I’m fine. Sam’s at home. I’m in Jerry’s Bar but I’m fine. Look, I’m glad you’re well but I need to, I’m gonna go, okay”

With that, Dean hung up.

No Dean Winchester it was not okay.

You rushed down to your room and changed before praying to Cas.

“Cas, I know you’re busy but please can you bring Dean to room 615 of Hyatt Hollywood. He’s at Jerry’s”

Barely ten seconds later, the angel and a swaying Winchester were stood at the end of the bed. 

You ran over and helped manoeuvre Dean to a seated position on the bed. Cas looked at you as if he was expecting further orders. It was slightly head fucking that an angel of the Lord was at your beckon call.

“Can you take the night off from the Lucifer search? Mary’s walked out on the boys. Can you be there for Sam and I’ll be here for Dean? I’ll get him to text Sam that he’s okay and with a woman. Just be with my boy, please?”

Cas nodded and vanished. You grabbed Dean’s phone and texted ‘got lucky, see you tomorrow’ then pulled Dean up to the top of the bed with you.

“So have I?” he muttered. You raised an eyebrow so he continued “got lucky?”

“You’re lucky I’m not kicking your ass for that question”

He smirked but it gave way to a grimace. You wrapped an arm around him and hugged him into you. “Guilt free chick flick moment Dean. Let it out”

With that he crumbled and turned back into the little boy who’s mommy had just died. 

You held him tight whilst he cried, and swatted the back of his head playfully when he joked about you turning him into a girl like Sam.

“Excuse me but how often have girls handed your ass back to you?”

He huffed a laugh at that but it lacked any real depth.

Eventually you both nodded off, waking up a few hours later to find out night had fallen. Checking the clock you saw it was about 10pm. You moved off the bed, gathered your hold-all and went to the bathroom; emerging fifteen minutes later, dressed up and ready to go. 

Dean had woken and was looking at you quizzically.

“Brush your hair and teeth, we’re going out jerk” when he failed to move, you clapped your hands impatiently “chop chop” 

“(Y/N) I don’t really want to.”

“Don’t give a fuck what you want. I want you to check in with Sam and then you and me are off to destroy Sunset Strip” when Dean failed to move, you shouted “Move it! Now!”

“Jeez you’re bossy” but despite grumbling, you were both shortly heading out the door. 

…………………..

You wandered down the strip enjoying the balmy night and each other’s company. 

First point of call was The Viper Room. It wasn’t intended to be but the brief snatch of music that was released as someone entered had you and Dean transfixed. 

“Dude that sounds like Plant!”

You could tell Dean wanted to argue. Comparing anyone to his blessed Zeppelin was a capital offence in his book. But there was no denying it. The band playing sounded like Led’s offspring. 

You paid and hurried in. Dean found a spot near the front whilst you grabbed drinks and interrogated the barman on who the wunderkinder were. 

“Greta Van Fleet” you announced to Dean as you handed him a JD

Together, you watched the rest of Greta’s set. They truly were astonishing. 

As you were leaving, Dean wandered over to the tiny merchandise table and bought a tee shirt. When you got outside, he handed it over. 

“You clearly loved them; you barely contained your need to dance in there”

Pulling it over the top you were already wearing before even finishing saying thanks, you hooked your arm into Dean’s and dragged him towards the Rainbow Bar.

It was close to midnight by then but the bar was still packed and you and Dean spent the first hour playing pool. When Dean lost to you again, you declared a penalty was due. You headed to the bar and bought a JD for yourself and a fruity cocktail for Dean, complete with umbrella. Sniggering to yourself, you turned from the bar straight into a couple of guys, knocking Dean’s cocktail from your hand and all over the floor.

“I’m so sorry” guy 1 said “we’ll buy you another”

Guy 1 ordered the cocktail and paid whilst Guy 2 talked to you. Asking where you were from, where you were staying. You skirted round answering his questions, waiting impatiently to get back to Dean; these guys made you seriously uneasy.

Finally you had your cocktail and continued back to the table. When you handed it to Dean, he looked at you bemused. “Your penalty Deano for sucking so bad. Now drink up”

He pulled a face but downed the drink as quickly as possible. 

“Well that was gross, thanks for that. I’m off for a piss”

“Thanks for the TMI. Just be careful, if your aim is as bad as your pool, you’ll be bathing in it”

Dean flipped you off and headed to the gents. He’d barely gone a few feet when he suddenly stopped near the guys from the bar. His posture changed from relaxed to full on danger mode. 

Wondering what could have caused his sudden mood change, you went to join him. He sensed you and span to block you from the guys.

“What’s wrong? Dean you’re freaking me out here, talk to me”

“(Y/N) please tell me you haven’t finished your drink yet?” You paled which was the only answer he needed. “They spiked your drink. I’m getting you a cab and then I’m kicking their asses”

“Hey, it’s okay calm down. How do you know it was me they were talking about?”

“They described you and said they’d drugged your cocktail. The things they were insinuating they were gonna do…I’m gonna kill them” 

When you paled further, he wrapped his arm around you “Hey don’t worry, no one’s gonna hurt you on my watch”

“Dean, I don’t think you’ll be able to do anything in a minute. You drank the cocktail, not me!”

At the moment, Dean’s legs started to give out. Between you, you managed to get him back to a chair. You went to get him some water but tripped and stumbled into the guys. They caught you a little too inappropriately which gave you an idea. And Dean was not going to like it. But someone had to teach these monsters a lesson.

Putting on your best giddy acting you freed yourself and grabbed a water which you took Dean. You told him you were heading to the ladies but instead headed outside pretending to be unsteady on your feet and muttering about needing air as you walked past those guys.

You could tell they were following and kept up the act until you found a secluded alley round the corner of the club. You ‘stumbled’ into the wall and stood there pretending to catch your breath. Guy 1 & 2 were soon next to you. Guy 1 pushed you against the wall but paused as he suddenly felt the sharp point of your knife poking through his jeans right into his undoubtedly small dick. 

“What’s wrong darling? Thought you were into forced penetration”

Guy 2 started backing away but froze when he turned to a slightly worse for wear Dean Winchester behind him.

“Dee I’ve got this under control, it’s fine”

“Don’t care. They threatened you and who knows how many more women. I’m dealing with these assholes” 

Whether it was Dean’s tone or the knife seconds away from castrating him, but Guy 1 pissed himself.

“Dude, my knife!” 

You kicked him away in disgust. Guy 2 tried to run but was knocked to the floor by a wobbly but irate Dean, who then kicked him hard in the gut.

Meanwhile Guy 1 was received a sharp few kicks to his genitalia, leaving him whimpering on the floor. 

You turned just in time to see Dean’s adrenaline fade and stop him face-planting in the combo of blood and piss in the alleyway. 

“Alright my shiny armoured knight, lets get you to bed”

You haled a cab and after a struggle were back in your room with Dean laid out on the bed. 

You removed his shoes and jacket and left the bathroom bin next to him. You sat next to the bed to make sure he wasn’t sick in the night; armed with painkillers and water. 

You woke at 6am with a crick in your neck and Dean being violently sick next to you. Finally he finished and you handed him a wet flannel to clean off. 

With the worse over, you joined him on the bed. You were just nodding off when Dean rolled over, making you the little spoon. 

“Don’t ever do that again” he mumbled “if Sammy’s not here, it’s my job to look after you. No solo heroics”

“Yes sir” you laughed.

When you woke up a few hours later, Dean was gone but he’d left a note. 

‘Cas is here. I gotta go, Sammy needs me. Thanks for a memorable night. Sleep well Princess’

With that, your 24 hours with your family was over and you were on your own again.


End file.
